


Glued

by chiyokintou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Lesbians, M/M, Yuri, attack on titan - Freeform, christaymir, girlxgirl, shoujo ai, snk, yumikuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 02:49:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2332508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiyokintou/pseuds/chiyokintou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ymir has a hard time pushing christa out of her life over and over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I regret many things in my life. I regret never reading a good book, specially john green ones. I regret loosing my temper a lot instead of just saying what I think. I regret drinking beer instead of wine and putting iron rings on the place my favorite freckle could have been growing. I regret almost being the second ellen del mar, throwing away old pictures, and burning new ones. I regret not going into the woods when it was asked of me and the fact I once hated warm cups of thee.    
Do I regret leaving my family, dropping out of school, getting into fights and drugs?  No. No not really no. 

When did I start realizing what was important to me and what wasn't? I don't really know. Did it have to do with something, or someone? Yeah, I guess you could say that.   
Will this be a story of me asking questions to myself about regrets and feelings? Nope, not even close.   
To be honest, this will probably be even worse. A fucking love story, now who would have seen that one coming? You probably, you probably checked that before even reading this, since I've been saying a lot of nothing for quite some sentences now.   
  
Fuck, I'm getting kind of lost here, thinking of where to start.  Where do you usually start these things? A while before the life changing happens? 

I will start with me being myself, smoking a on the couch. It was a cold november day. The cigarette was hanging in my mouth loosely, ash falling on the brownish pillows.  I didn't have a television so I spend all of my days like this, laying on the cough, breathing cancer into my own lungs and listening to old rock music. Sometimes I would just stop and think about how smoking less might just get me my television. Then eventually as I saw my cigarets lessen it just never seemed worth it. I mean, I would probably give up my own life for some bad drama's, people talking and information about animals. Though that last one doesn't seem too bad. But it wasn't just my life; I would also give up my black lungs and my house (you can't work for your rent when watching television) Okay, I might be exaggerating a bit. To speak the absolute truth; I just want to keep smoking like a brainless addict. 

Everytime I broke into a coughing fit I would just mumble to myself "at least you quit drugs."   Well most drugs, you can't judge me for using a little bit of weed after one of my anger fits.  At least I don't have pills in my cup B bra anymore. Loosing that expensive shit when high on something else and trying to lick up my own freckles wasn't really the brightest period of my life; there I said it. 

I put my cigaret in the ash tray and opened the window of my crappy room.  Cold hitting.  I grunted aggressively, something I started doing more and more. Maybe I just wanted to show the whole world I was kind of annoyed by it.  They always say that you need to change your point of view to see different; these groans were keeping me from looking differently. Such a rebel I was after quitting things like that. 

I thought back to my high school time. Maybe I should have left a trace. I wanted to stay for quite a few things. Teachers like Levi or hanji; who I would walk into from time to time. Crazy kids like AngryEren and CockyJean.  Damned frown boy and horse face. I wanted to stay and see Jean hook up with either Marco or Eren. Both were fine with me. One a cute and blushing relationship and one an abusive one. Fucking great; both of them. I kind of liked Mikasa, kind of wanted to beat annie up, though I know I would have gotten beat myself. I wanted to ask Armin about some science shit, though I have never been talented at it myself.  Maybe I could ask hanji one time. 

I wanted to stick with the married couple. Reiner berthold and I could have been the big fag trio, though at the time I didn't want to have anything to do with any of them. I felt like I was too good for them.  
 I had one friend.  I bet she'd sometimes looks up and thinks "That ymir was one hell of a bitch."  I won't deny a word of it. Though I highly doubt she's actually think it like that.  Christa doesn't curse. 

Oh christa. 

Christa Christa Christa. 

Everyone loved christa. Christa was the angel, the princess, the one all the boys would fight over. Our relation was quite normal to her.  Christa was close to everyone. She knew everyones weak spot and everyone's secrets; she never used them against people. 

Oh well, high school was over, now I spend my days on my cough or walking through my apartment. Deep in thoughts, a cigaret in my mouth.  The rest of my time I spend working in a bar. Not one of the thousands I used to hang around in. All of them either hated me or tried to get me to party with them again. No for a new start I needed a new bar. I could have started working at some fucking burger king, mc donalds shit but it just sounded like something too low. If someone asks me "what did you start doing after you dropped out of high school?" the only fucking thing I would never want to answer is "I started working at mc donalds."  It would be like telling them "YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT PEOPLE HAVE NO HOPE AFTER BEING A DROP OUT! CONGRATS!"   
It would probably pay better though.    
Pride for rent, eventually a lot of us have to do it that way, maybe I'll have to too, one day. 

  
After picking my cigarets and putting them in my jacket I walked out of my apartment. Whining about the stinky stairs I'd have to walk in my head. I didn't even know why I went outside anymore. A cold nose? Showing off my second hand brown leather jacket?  Though the wind into my dark brown hair was incredibly satisfying, specially when feeling this empty.   
I was completely empty, there was nothing left inside of me. I needed a light.   
I took out my light and lit my cigaret, looking at all the people around me. Everyone was going somewhere. They were so busy with their own lives, they probably all thought they had a meaning and a reason to live. I found it weird back then, people that had a per pose.   
I was the exact opposite of the monophobe I had been in high school. 

 

"Ymir is that you?"  

My head shot to where the voice was coming as if I had been pinched with a needle from that side. It was marco. Sweet freckled jezus. I regretted every foul word I had told him.  "Hi! marco" 

He smiled.  "How have you been doing?" 

"Long story, mainly,  I've been fine" 

He smiled "I'm glad"   I frowned, expecting him to talk about the whole gang thing; he didn't. 

"What are you doing here?" 

He blushed bright red "Waiting for jean" 

I smirked, more to myself I mumbled "ah so he ended up with the freckled jezus" 

"w-what?" 

"Nothing, I'm happy for you" 

For a second we were quiet, looking for things to say, though I found the silence quite natural.  

"Have you been speaking with christa?"  My heart tightened a little. 

"No, we were having some problems, never solved, never talked about" 

"Does she know about these problems?"  I rolled my eyes, making the ugliest face I could.  "I'll take that as a no?"  I looked it him with a sassy face again.  Then grinned.  " and that as an.. " 

"You're right marco, now I think your date is waiting"  I pointed behind him, where jean was walking. Jean seemed happier and stronger than when I had last seen him.  

 

He looked surprised  "Is that ymir?" 

"Not his shit again, I'm out!"  I waved, as I heard marco giggle. 

Then, as if marco had honestly missed me he yelled "Ymir! Come by at school sometime, we're almost graduating!" 

I smiled. I wouldn't go by, I was just happy everyone was growing up fine. They would graduate soon. I thought of christa secretly hoping she's still look as young; If I ever were to see her again I wouldn't want her looking different. Then again I was different too; who was I to judge?

  
This wasn't the first time I walked into people from my old high school. I had walked into Berthold and Reiner before. I think I had seen sasha one time to, she was walking to connies house, probably, it was that way. Mentally I cursed myself every time I thought of things like that; I knew them better than I had actually wanted to. Of course this isn't a sin in a world of rebellion; those people just talk too much. 

Actually, later on I would have liked to befriend them instead of the people I had befriended. Eventually most of us had gotten into fights. I wasn't going back into my group after they had absolutely backstabbed me. My self-respect is bigger than my lust to have friends. Now I enjoy being alone. Eventually genuine friends seemed like the prince of the white horse; they wouldn't come, this wasn't a fairy tail. 

I know, I know, this all sounds very depressed but me leaving my friends had been the step to me becoming calm, happy.  I was happy, (yes I am happier now)  I know I don't sound like it when I say I was annoyed with the whole world and every person, when I say I didn't have any friends or that I disliked my family but sitting alone in my small house, I was happy. 

Anyway, back to when I walked into someone of my high school again.  This was around three days later. Could be four.  At the time my stephdad had just texted me. My stephdad is an absolute asshole and him texting me was  _the_ thing that would ruin my day. And so it did. I didn't even read it and I had already started cursing. Then when I opened it it said nothing but:

Your mum is very ill, come by at the Rose Hospital today and bring flowers. 

I grunted once more. Like I would give a ratsass about all of this. First thought was not to go. Second was to just not bring flowers.  Then I realized that that wash't really going to show them I had grown up. In fact it seemed rather childish to me. They always say that the best revenge is a smile. Now I wasn't trying to pull some "avenge"  action. Actually, I didn't hate my mum, I just disliked her. But she "raised" me for the first years of my life, if she were to die I would want her to go proud at what I had become. Without her help, true indeed, but that didn't mean I shouldn't become something worthy. 

So as said, I took my brown leather jacket and headed out. It was a cold day,  winter coming closer and closer. I never wanted Autumn, my favorite season for ever and always, to stop.  I could watch the brown leafs fly and fall for a hours. It was beautiful. As my favorite colors (call me boring)  are brown and red.  Today was perfect to me.  

In a few minutes I was at the the only and closest florist I knew.  It near my house, the idea of spending money on stupid flowers and on a bus card already made me sick. Like I had enough money to do whatever. If my stepfather kept bitching like that he'd be able to put me next to my mother. 

"Goodmorning, how can I help you?"  I looked at the women, hair in a messy bun, dark blond hair, green eyes and a green apron.  She was rather attractive. 

"Goodmorning"  I sounded so moody. No wonder it was morning, morning is the time of the day to have an headache. "I'd like.. uh, something for someone who is ill?"  

She giggled,  "alright.. color preference?" 

I thought.. everything I dislike "White? Pink perhaps?" 

" I'll do pink, white is a bit sad don't you think?"  I nodded "Christa!"  a skip of the heart beat "One with some chrysanthemums and maybe some white and green to compliment with them; not too sad not too happy"   I saw the blond girl in a blue apron walk form one side to the other one. I really needed a cigarette. If I could have done anything I would have ran away, lighted a cigarette and never come out of my house again. Not for my mother, not for the damned flowers, not for nothing.. anything.. whatever. 

Christa had grown up, yet she looked like the same venerable, perfectly cute. Had she noticed me? No she hadn't really looked up, she was in a world of her own.  Her hands so small, they fitted the flowers. They would fir anything. She was a women, not a girl anymore.  

"Excuse me"  I snapped out of it, looked at the other women, who suddenly seemed so much less attractive after seeing Christa again "What is your budget?" 

"not too much.. ten or something? I have no idea how expensive flowers are"  

She giggled again, of course, I was a clueless women knowing nothing about flowers.  "We'll keep it down as much as possible okay?" 

I nodded, my eyes back to christa, who was almost finished. I didn't really know what kind of face I had to put on. Should I say something before she gets the chance? Can I act like I didn't notice before? Question racing through my mind but I wasn't able to answer any of them. Or crapily. 

"Ymir?"  There it goes.

I put my best grin on "ah, christa! long time now see" 

"yes indeed, how have you been?"  That soft voice. I held in a shiver. 

"Good, I've been good. You?"  

"Me to"  I wondered silently, how a standard conversation could sound this emotional. 

  
For a second we looked at each other. More intense than I had intended to.  "Ymir, I want us to -" 

  
"Miss, your bouquet "  All I could think was: life saver.  True indeed, I am a stupid human being. 

 I paid for the damn flowers with Christa's eyes burning in my back.  I knew it. She held a grudge against me.  I didn't blame her, of course not, she had all the right. 

I turned around and walked out, trying to act natural "bye"  I focussed on christa "It was nice seeing you, christa" 

When I walked through the door it felt like a weight had felt off my shoulder, until I heard "Ymir, Wait a minute! " 

 

I turned around. Stared at christa and she stared at me. What were we to do? Run after each other? Maybe deep inside i wanted to get to know christa too, but I just didn't want to face the problems that came with them. I was sure she'd yell at me. 

"Would you give me your phone number?" 

"I don't have a phone"  She pulled up one eyebrow "I'm not lying. I don't have endless money you know." 

She smiled a little "Go drink thee with me" 

"I can't, my mother is ill" 

"It's good that you're going to see her, you've grown up"  A shiver. She knew me. There was nothing I found as scary as that. 

"thanks" 

"Tomorrow, meet me here, we'll just talk, after that you can choose whatever"  This fucking women. 

"I don't know if I ca-" 

"Excuses, ymir, just one time" 

I grunted heavily "Fine, fuck" 

She grinned the biggest smile "Thanks Ymir, I've missed you" 

"Shut it already, I have to go"  I started walking. 

 "Goodluck, oh yeah Ymir?!"  I turned around  " 1 o clock alright? we can lunch" 

I grunted and turned back  "Don't blame me if I sleep through it" 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir gets drunk and her mums a bitch.

The next morning I woke up by the sound of my alarm clock. Since I worked nights and evenings my rhythm wasn't there. The only rhythm I had was go to sleep late, wake up in pm hours. I groaned. I hated my alarm clock. i hadn't used it in forever, now because some girl wanted me to come see her I had to use it. Well not some girl.. it was christa. Still this wasn't the way to get me in the mood for a nice date. 

I picked up a shirt from the floor and smelled it. It was alright. Then I put on a dark jeans and looked in the mirror. I looked the same. The same as always.    
  
When finished I could punch myself in my face. I had gotten dressed in something different. I usually didn't do weird crap like washing my face and combing my hair properly. But now I had to do.. something about my looks. Nooo,  I couldn't just fucking go see her in my brown shirt. I'm hopeless. I should have worn my boring clothes, I had to put on something.. new. I wanted to say impressing but I highly doubt it was anything near impressing. I was just Ymir. Though maybe, and that's the scary part, christa knows me well enough to see I put on something different, a second hand shirt but one I had never worn before. 

I swallowed. I didn't quite know what to do with this whole thing. My legs were moving towards the florist. My mind was full of things that could happen. But in the mean time I kept telling myself that it would only be this one time. I wouldn't hurt her again. I wouldn't keep the fact I was gay inside.  Everything. Everything was wrong about it. Nothing fitted together, nothing matched nothing could go right. Which means everything could, or had to, go wrong. Was it worth it? all those things just to be with her?  

 

 "Ymir!"  

I looked up, christa's blond hair was too bright for me in the morning, her smile complimenting her hair to it's finest. Together with her blue dress, she herself looked like the summer sky. Now I don't really dislike summer, don't love it either, I'm not good with heat. But I can't deny that a summer sky.. is beautiful. 

"Hey christa, you look pretty"   Fucking good job on being mean and taking distance ymir! Fucking bitch goddamnit. 

"Thanks, you to. Is that a new shirt?" 

I cleared my troth and awkwardly looked away  "no, I've had it for like forever"  

We walked to a near coffeeshop in silence. Christa said she's rather have something like a bagel with tea instead of a sandwich. I told her it was fine as long as I got to drink my coffee and smoke. So there we were in some small coffeeshop. She ordered British thee, though asked to make it a bit more watery. I had a strong coffee.  I felt good, like I was a man worthy of walking with christa. Again my thinking was going out of hand. 

For a while we stayed like that. Awkward. Silent. Which was until Christa started talking "What have you been doing these years?"

It sounded like it had been forever. I mean, it felt like that, but it hadn't yet been 2 years.  "Working, being at home.. " 

"Sounds like you did a lot"  she giggled  "I was kidding, like no offense" 

"I know, christa" 

Then she looked up fiercely again. "Why did you leave ymir? Why did you leave me?" 

"It's not a big deal" 

She sighed "Yes it is."

"I had no reason. I was tired of everything, I wanted to do drugs and get drunk every night, I was quite depressed too" 

"why didn't you contact me?"

"I didn't want you to get into the same troubles I did" 

She looked so sad "Then is now fine? You're not in trouble anymore" 

"You don't know fucking anything, christa" 

 

For a second we both ignored each other. Then christa started talking about everything and nothing. 

"How is your mum?"   Fine. I replied. though I didn't feel the need to leave out that mum was about to die.  

Then I asked about the kids at school. How were they doing. Were mikasa and Eren married, was annie out of her mental institution, how long had marco and jean been dating? To all she knew the answer, the details and even the secrets. Everyone had entrusted their lives to her.  She was lovely, of course, she was the person everyone loved. 

I kept forcing myself to see her cry because I got into drugs again, because she found out I was gay. It was bound to happen if I let this go to far. And seeing this, kept me from letting it go to far. 

 

"Are you okay? You seem kind of distant."  

I swallowed "yeah, sorry, I'm fine." I sipped my coffee "do you mind if I smoke?"

She shook her head, her eyes burning into me as I lighted my cigarette. My thirth of the day and it was 2 pm. It had been a while since I smoked.. so little. I should have been smoking more because fuck my nerves were killing me. 

"You smoke quite a lot" 

I nodded "Yeah, it keeps me calm, plus I feel more confident holding a cigarette, it's my little buddy"   My only friend, perhaps? was that what I wanted to say at the time? Because it was. 

"I don't like smoke, but I don't mind it when it's you"  

I snorted "You should, I'm the queen smoker"  

"I understand. It's like my cup of tea, I feel like nothing can hurt me because if I have tea, I'm not alone.. That does make me sound like a loner, aha" 

"No. I understand" 

After a few more useless conversations, speeches about school and begs from her side so we could stay in contact, I left. Honestly the girl wasn't a quitter. I don't think I would have ever left if I hadn't made the completely false promise to go and see her again.  Not planning to do so. I wasn't going to let myself drown in old memories again, the way to old memories was christa. The only one I wanted while I took everything and one that wasn't her. The girls I had messed around with, the guys I hung out with, the parties I sometimes showed up to, they were nothing but emptiness. With the days those parties seemed to get more boring too. But christa.. When I saw her I felt nothing like emptiness, and it fucking scared me. The feeling of being filled up with.. well, feelings. I wasn't used to it. The emptiness had become a part of me. Mental and physical emptiness, they were both a part of my life without schooling or wisdom, without love or hate. I used to hate a lot more than love, true indeed, still it wasn't emptiness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The first next time I met christa was exactly one week from there.  I had gone to my mother that day. 

Now I know that you all think you know what's going to happen but I- in fact- am pro in disappointing people. Might still disappoint you guys. Not get my big fat gayness with Christa. Not crying because of my mum. Which is basally way happened since my mum..  She still didn't want to talk to me, which seemed incredibly childish to me. What if she died and she hadn't ever told me what she thought of me. Weather it was hate, love, pride or disappointment. I just wanted to know it. I would take anything she had to say. I wasn't the one dying. I would be the grown up now. 

But she didn't speak. My mother kept her mouth shut and her boyfriend talked when we walked out of the room. I ignored his casual yet fucking ignorant chitchat. I just wanted to tear his brains out. 

It's that I did care about my mum. Shit she didn't even know. 

I asked my mother. I asked her if she still loved me, a tremble in my voice. This was new. I never trembled. I never loved and I never cared.  

She didn't answer my question. 

Rage went through me as she looked away. She had finally regained consciousness and she ignored my question. She couldn't even bring herself to tell her daughter she loved her.  "Mum, even if I'm gay, even if I brought you problems, you can't just-"   I looked at her. Her face hiding no emotion at all.  "are you listening to me?"  I asked. 

"yes"  she answered, her dry lips  bearably moving. 

"Then answer me"  but she didn't.  Costing me to stand up and storm out in rage. I didn't cry. It seemed as if I had forgotten to do so. "You never took care of me!  Who is my father? Why did you even make a child if you knew it was made out of bad and bad alone?!   Answer me"  She looked into my eyes, an emotion I couldn't place and didn't reply  " You are no mother! You-  You.."   My voice died. I walked out, wanting to walk away from myself and my words floating in that room.   
  I slammed the door behind me. Knowing this would be the worst thing to do in a hospital. I now apologize for that in this story.  I also apologize for my grunts and screams and for my hard footsteps on the hospital floor. For the way I screamed "fucking bitch"  about my dying mother.  I did care. I.. I just hadn't changed as much as I wanted to. I was still capable of hurting when I didn't want to hurt.

  
It was two hours later that my stepfather called me. I thought he was going to get mad at me. I was ready to rip his face off and sew it onto my mothers grave as he bled to death. But he didn't get mad at me. He sounded calm. That was worst of all. He sounded so freaking calm, without a hint of regret or sadness in his voice as he mumbled "Your mother died"   

I couldn't listen after that. I knew what he was saying. He was talking about how I had lost my temper. About how it was my fault.  Eventually my mind shot back to him. His useless words.  "She must have felt your words so heavy, how could you do that?" 

"How could _I_ do that?!"  I spat at him " How could  _you_  do that? Haven't you ever fucking thought of that? You are a fucking lifeless piece of shit. You ruined her fucking life! I can't wait for you to join her. No wait a minute. I can. Since I actually do give a shit about her! You selfish, lifeless fuckin-"   He hung up.  He didn't let me finish. He just hung up. As if I was nothing, and I wasn't. I was gone with one swipe like dust. 

I screamed and threw my crappy phone on the floor. It didn't break. Which pissed me off even more. Fucking nokia's better break. I Cursed and kicked against it. I didn't want any contact with anyone anymore. My phone had heard nothing but bad news in it's entire existence. 

My anger got pretty bad. I know, not bad enough for the story to end here. I was never the suicide type. But I have always been a person to throw things. My apartment ended up with a few things lesser. My heart beating heavily. I pulled open one bottle after the other one and smoked enough cigarets for a lifetime. More drinks, more alcohol. I got even more pissed off. I feel pretty bad for my neighbors, chance I woke them is pretty big. 

 

I don't really recall everything that happened after that. Sorry I know you were expecting some big ass emotional meeting but I don't remember, at all. My mind was one big blur and even the emotions I was feeling were nameless. Somewhere between anger, lust, sadness and loneliness; probably. Anyway it had me bad enough to go and see christa. Wether I kept yelling in front of the shop or remembered where her house was is a mystery to me. Though Getting locked up and having christa bail me out doesn't seem that unrealistic either. Like I said I don't remember. 

  
What I do know is that when I woke up, I had no idea what was going on.   
I opened my eyes tiredly and looked around. My head ache growing. The first thing that went through me when I smelled something different than myself was; one night stand. With someone I could bearably stand, most likely. Some blond girl thet slutted herself out for both women and men. Since attention is attention. 

The idea seemed foolish right after.  My room was neat, my curtains open and it smelled like food. 

I moaned aggressively. The whole thing made me think of how mothers were supposed to act, so it made me think of all my mother wasn't. Then again I also realized only one person would do such a thing. Christa. I don't know wether or not I was happy with that fact. It didn't really matter, a reaction of ' oh shit'  covered it all when I saw her standing in my kitchen. Baking something with the tea boiler cooking violently. It was an aggressive little second hand thing, just like me.  

Christa looked up awkwardly at my arrival while I glared at her. Combined with my morning face that was pretty fucked up but she still  mumbled a sweet "good morning" 

Now this might sound very cheesy but she was still the most gorgeous being I had ever seen. I usually dislike caring people, because it makes me feel bad about not caring and because they are too fucking motherly. Now being attracted to such a person was on a whole new level.   

"Hey"  my voice was almost gone, though I rather sounded like a smoker than like an emotional mess. Hallelujah.  "where did you get that egg?"   

"Went to the supermarket"  She threw some salt on the egg " Seriously ymir, you can't live on bread and these cheap sausages"

"but here I am, it's a miracle"  I mumbled sarcastic and she rolled her eyes. 

I sat down on my couch, trying to ignore the fact Christa was there. I had to keep up this moody and badass act or else I would fall into the same well again. At the same time I had the urge to hold Christa and tell her everything that was wrong with me (which I probably had done the other night). I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was and all kind of cheesy stuff like that. 

"You want coffee or thee?" 

"Coffee" I mumbled while trying to light my first cigarette, hands rilling. 

When christa sat down, perfect breakfast on both our laps, I had a really hard time controlling myself. That wasn't really anything new but still. 

"So.. How did you get here?" 

"It doesn't matter" 

I sighed. My headache was way to bad to argue over stupid shit. "Look, just, what happened, short version preferred" 

"You were drunk, came whining to me"

"What did I say?" 

"The usual, that your life sucks, that you suck, no one likes you" 

"Oh"  No; my mum hates me? No; I used to be so incredibly in love with you? 

"I told you it wasn't true, and that you are really lovely.. " She smiled up at me, making my whole body heat up. 

"Moron! I know"  Hurriedly I stood up. "I'm going to take a piss" 

\--

 

"I need a beer"  

"You are hung over"  a soft voice mumbled. 

"Best cure, anyway, why are you still here?"  

"Not leaving you alone" 

"Why?" 

"Because I care"   Shit 

"Pfft "  I coughed "What are you reading?" 

"Fault in our stars" 

"What are you? A teen age girl who eats chocolate while crying and saying I am not hipster" 

"That seems like a legit description of me, true indeed" 

I shrugged and lit a cigarette.   

I carefully stupid christa while she acted like it didn't weird her out. There was no way she could be that much into that book anyway. I noticed she had bags under her eyes. Her smile had covered up for it but she looked incredibly tired. The smile that was placed on her face looked slightly painful, though that might have to do something with the book. 

I looked at her skin. It was light, no foundation. There was only a little bit of mascara on her whimpers.  Then suddenly her cherry pink lips opened  "It's okay to talk and whine about it, it hasn't been easy" 

"what?" 

"Our lives, everyone's life, it's all hard you know.. I'll try to understand?" 

"Does your life suck?"  I couldn't help but ask it. Maybe I wanted her to say yes somewhere deep inside. I don't know.  

"It does, kind of, but that's no big deal" 

That took me by surprise. It hadn't actually crossed my mind that her life was hard on her. That anything in her life was not fucking perfect.  "Tell me" 

"No, we're not here to talk about that, it's nothing" 

"Mine isn't either" 

"You just lost your mother" 

"Fuck her" 

"tell me, please" 

"Fuck you" 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think~


	3. Chapter 3

 "I put tea in front of christa.  "why are you here again?

"To feel loved"  she giggled.  I rolled my eyes. She was loved here, maybe a little too much, but having her here every day was very stessing. How can you be in one room with someone you are  _that_  attracted to? Someone you don't know at all, when you think about it. 

"oh"  was all I mumbled. Yes out of all my sarcastic comments, all my mean words and deep confessions I chose that one. Pretty deep isn't it?  You would almost miss I'm such a complex fucking person. 

"Today in school a teacher send Reiner out because he kept kissing berthold, just little teasing pecks. Now all the teachers say it's because of the kissing and not because of the gay but I totally don't believe them. I understand that you can't study math when kissing but he wouldn't have actually send him away if berthold had been a girl right?-" Christa happily kept mumbling.  My half smile was still on my mouth. I only figured out I was when I put my cigarette on my lips and realized something was a little off. Turned out it was the smile that was off. That was what I wasn't used to.  It scared me a little  "Don't you think so?"

"totally" I mumbled without knowing where she was in the story. Her talking was like an instrumental song. You don't know the exact words and the meaning but you know what you feel. How beautiful it is. 

"hey ymir?"  I nodded  "Do you ever just want to leave it all?" 

"What do you think I did?"

"Ah.. but don't you get lonely?"

"I like loneliness, it has an air that fits me"

"I don't.. but sometimes I also don't like being with people, except from-"

"From?"

"It's nothing"  
  
I thought for a second "Oy! You're not just here because you broke up with your boyfriend, right?!"  
  
She chuckled "no way" 

 

* * *

  
  
The next day, around 5, she knocked my door again. I already knew I was into the whole thing way too deep. I was in too deep the moment she figured out where I lived, because I knew christa would use all her powers to not let me fuck things up again.. I didn't know weather I found that reassuring or scary. Mainly scary I guess, because the thing I feared most was me. And I-  I have this incredible fucking habit of fucking things up.

"Do you miss her?"   In a second all the girls I had even looked at, made out with or dated flashed through my mind.  Panick racing through me. 

"who?"

"Your mum, of course"

"Oh"  Yes oh ymir, you are a fucking idiot, biggest fucking moron in the entire fucking world.  " Not really.."  
It was the truth. My mums death had flashed me by and to be honest.. it didn't make much of a difference. I wasn't reminded of it too much. There was nothing that smelled like her, no words as harsh as hers, no texts from my stephfather. Nothing to remind me of how she had once been here. And though I did get a sudden pain thinking of how fucked up our relation had been till death did us apart, it's not a pain that stands for missing her. 

"I would be devastated"

"well I'm not"   Thinking about what christa really knew about my family I answered.  I realized she didn't know that much. Okay she knew my relation with my mum wasn't good, that we fougth a lot, but she probably thought it was some kind of typical rebelious teenager issue. She didn't know how much I fucking despised my mother. She didn't what  _he_  had done. The filthy pig.   
For a while we sat in silence. I knew christa didn't see her mum either. It was as if the tables had turned and we now had sucky mums. Then again.. my father was sucky for leaving me too.  My whole life I had been told he was dead. My whole life they have hid his second name from me. Maybe because he was an african man. It's obvious I'm not as light skinned as my mother was.    
  
"Let's go to the woods tomorrow"  Christa casually mumbled while taking her book out of her bag and putting her feet on the couch.  

"I haven't even agreed to you staying here, let stand to doing stuff.."   I mumbled. I meant it. I mean.. that would be very much agreeing to stay with her  "But.. I wanted to go get a scarf anyway so maybe we could.." 

"do both?  You're free on sunday right? Shops are open but I'm free too" 

"I guess.."      
And so we sat in silence again. I lit a cigarette and studied christa carefully. Which I did more and more often. I wondered if christa didn't notice of didn't mind. She just red in peace. John green.  That was the writer of the book.  I had seen some boards hanging with his name on it. Some movie was coming out. For a second I thought I should ask christa to that movie but that would be weird. Anyway, the writer must be something judging from how he could keep christa from noticing how creepily I was studying her. Breathing in my smoke deeply, drinking my coffee.. Studying christa.  How typical. 

"Nice book?"  Fuck Fuck Fuck. Fuck me.  Fuck the way I said that. 

"Yes It's so lovely! It's quite modern and with modern humor but it's still classically emotional, like, I'm going to need some chocolate in a while!"

"I'll get some tomorrow, going to the shop anyway"

"Thanks!" she grinned at me.  "Hey ymir?"  

"That's how they call me" 

"What do you usually do? Like.. when i'm here you only sit and smoke.. am I disturbing your hobbies and such?" 

I chuckled, though it was actually kind of embarrassing  " This is what I usually do.."   
  


 

* * *

 

  
So actually I - even now- am a little ashamed to say that before christa came over on sunday I got a bit excited .  I started putting the groceries that had been standing on the kitchen counter for 3 days.  That was not the only thing but I noticed that I had taken a lot of things I usually wouldn't. Chocolate, Orange Japur tea, some fruits and some extra eggs.  The list of things I usually wouldn't buy was actually quite long. Small and cheap things - true indeed- but I did buy then.  And after I was ashamed I would.  
had I gotten used to christa that much? Did I care that much?   
I blamed it on my stupid crush making me want to spoil her rotten.  Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck fucking holding back because I am so fucking bad at it.   
  
Christa opened the door without even knocking.  "Ymir!" 

"Hey"  I poured some hot tea in a cup and moved to the living room. 

  _"_ I got you something! well.. I didn't really get you it but.. "   She rambled on without saying anything and took something out of her bag  "I really like knitting and.. well you said you needed a red scarf so I.."  There was a dark red scarf laying in her hands. Redder than the one mikasa used to wear. Slightly brown maybe. It was dark, it was lovely.   
  
" You shouldn't have.. Now I'm in depth of you" I smiled thankfully still. 

Christa rolled her eyes and snorted while taking the tea I had made  "If we are playing that game I could also start paying you rent for sitting here all day and pay back the tea and chocolate "    And it was true. It was horribly true. Yes it had only been a little over a week but we had gotten used to each other. Most of the time we only saw each other for a few hours. After her school or work. Before my work. It were small moments. Nice moments. Christa felt at ease. She felt better here than where she was before. 

I wrapped the scarf around my neck and put on my brown jacket  "let's go"

"Ah, you want to take a cd?"

"you pick" I said smirking. It was a dangerous thing to do. I mean I have a freaking steel panter* cd. I silently wished she wouldn't pick that one. 

We walked out.  You can't imagine how satisfied I felt when I looked to my left and saw christa there, smiling up at me or at the ground.   Somewhere I found my hand rising and petting her hair. The way you would with a sister or a little girl you bearably know. This mainly was done because wanting to touch her and keeping my sexual instincts in were two things that didn't go well together.  
The fact christa had a car and I didn't was a little embarrassing really. I probably would have money for a car but since I barely went anywhere I didn't really need one.  Still I was rather sure christa didn't either. She just got everything she wanted.  
How do you even satisfy a girl like that?

Eventually it turned out that christa took the cd of led zeblin. Which calmed my heart a little. Singing steel panted really loud would be hilarious but still I wasn't sure if she could handle it.   
I had my feet on the dashboard and was singing while looking outisde. I had always loved driving, I didn't  know why but it was totally in my element.  
  
Cold hit us as we got out, my heart beating happily. I hadn't felt as happy in a very very long time. It was a dark day. We were both emotional and probably moody too but still.. I was happy and it was perfect. 

"I live with some kind of caretaker now, it sucks"  Christa said after a long silence of walking comfortably.

"Because of your dad right?"  I mumbled casually.

"You're the only one I told about my dad"  I didn't know that. It shocked me a little. She had told me before she had left me. I knew it was something she didn't tell everyone but only me? Who was I to her?  I was nothing special compared to the rest.    

"oh?"

"Ymir you have no idea how- "  She stopped.

"how what?"

"nevermind, it doesn't matter"

"but-"

"really! It doesn't matter, ymir"  
And then there was a silence again.   We walked close to each other but the mood seemed a little more tense.  I lit a cigarette  "want one?" I asked christa to which she shook her head.    "Did I tell you what I said to my mum before she died that time I got drunk?"

"you did" she whispered, her voice saying sorry for lying.

"Good, take care of my shamefull words about "bad parents the way I'll take care of your shamefull secret"

"But I-"  She swallowed   " I know you were pushed into that situation! It was not a shamefull reaction. You have grown and you are a good person"

I chuckled  and threw my arm around her in a 'bro' manner  "You're really  are Naïve"  
  
We sat down against a tree in an open spot. Close, breathing in the cold fresh air. Well, until I lit a cigarette. Still it was different. Sitting with her like that, I couldn't help but wish the moment would never stop.  She got to me. Her words got to me, I didn't believe they were true but they got to me anyway.  I wanted her to think i was worth something. She did. I saw it in her eyes as she smiled at me. She was in for a ride full of great disappointment though. 

 

 

* * *

* * *

  *   Steel panter is a parody metal band with very very oversexed songs   
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywHM7h1ZMuQ&list=PLtI77JvAIySVxWznCtki0oj-kwMHvU_OK&index=11 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lll964Z1fk&index=9&list=PLtI77JvAIySVxWznCtki0oj-kwMHvU_OK

 


End file.
